January 17, 2011
The Demotion of the
Mike "Lucky" (or) "9-3/4" Coles, XNGH 13
January 17, 6017 (2011)
We are gathered here in solemn conclave, to bestow at last that most sought of letters in the Clamper alphabet, the much-beloved X, upon our Noble Grand Humbug Mike "I like 9 and 1/3, but Mark keeps on calling me Lucky 13" Cole. Mike has led our chapter for the past year, and has shown his complete incompetence in all but necessary areas of management, construction, and interpersonal relations throughout that time.
Mike has proven to be a popularizer of triskaidekaphobia among the membership. His 13th Humbughood has seen the move of the Queho'st Gaurd from Lake Mead to Laughlin, The first plaquing in Logandale, and, of course, Chloride. As the 13th Humbug, Mike has moved into the history of our chapter. As it was with the ancient Persians, who believed that the history of the world was divided into twelve 1,000- year segments, and when the 13th arrived, the world would be plunged into chaos, Mike showed what could be done to an unassuming chapter of E Clampus Vitus.
Mike is known to all of us as a member of the finest erection crew in all of E Clampus Vitus, along with Dann DeBoer, and such stalwarts as Nate (DeBoer) and James (___?____). Mike has also shown his ability to step up to the plate and find inadequate clamping facilities (you were all aware there were known rattlesnakes at our fall clampsite with Billy Holcomb Chapter fall of 2010 - a site Mike secured for us during the Mystic One's reign), not to mention the blasted earth of Chloride, for which he had to seek out the demented legions of the Lost Dutchman for help.
Mike began his career as a Clamper, being nurtured by our very chapter. His acceptance as a member can, in spite of his obvious shortcomings, only be accounted as one of the great failures of reason on the part of the HOCO in question. None-the-less, Mike began his meteoric rise in the chairs after being nurtured by such members as the late John Zerfoss, in interpersonal relations, XNGH Dann DeBoer in dust control during erections, and apparently numerous plumbers in pants control, having shown his best side during filming of American Restorations at the Museum.
Mike has proven that success does not necessarily come to he who waits, but rather to he who is willing to take on any job and complete it. He is a glad-handing fool when it comes to finding sites and boats, and god help you if you are cutting up granite, because some of it will eventually make its way into his yard for future plaque uses. However, in spite of these seemingly positive attributes, I must note there is a darker, less known side to our soon-to-be X Humbug.
For Mike Cole is nothing less than a practicing thespian. He has, as I have noted, been seen on national television in a butt-crack-showing position, while drilling screws into concrete, a warm-up for his rendition of Hamlet in the fall in the Old Bailey. He showed his true colors while fondling young women in their bloomers at the Photo Odyssey at the Clark County Museum, photographic evidence of which is being circulated even as I speak. It is true that the images you are reviewing will bring back memories for any who were PBCs in 2007 during Mike's year as Hangman, a year which saw our first plaquing at Boulder City and our first plaquing of a cemetery. It is, however, also true that Mike does not always scowl so much. Sometimes he actually frowns.
He is also a rank imitator, one who, with a little help from a red suit and white beard, can scare small children with a frightfully jolly "Ho! Ho! Ho!" I have personally seen him chase a small child around his mother while attempting to engage him in erudite, Santa-esque conversation, while all the little boy wants to do is hide. He is also quite willing to allow any wider to seat herself upon his lap, claiming that within his Santa suit, he is a safe and sane Santa, a claim most who know him might debate.
Now, it is with great reluctance that I come to the conclusion of my remarks, as I must inform the assembled redshirts of the incoming Occifers for 2012-2013. As PBC Keepers, we will again have "Skateboard" Mike Beaman, who will be ably assisted, or so we choose to believe, by Stan Smith. Having served as Keeper for the last two years, our resident 12-year-old Clamper, Richard "The Other White Meat" Robinson will become Hangman.
Mike "Whino" Freese moves into the position of Grand Noble Recorder, which, given his background with the IRS, should definitely give all members pause. As Gold Dust Receiver, our pensive and unmoving John "Dante Shortpants" Dunmier will be pleased to handle all funds which may be made available to him.
As we cannot survive without Vice, something is small supply in E Clampus Vitus, Vern "Big Elvis" Brooks will become the Vice Humbug. And, without any rational thought on the part of the greybeards of the chapter, Vince "Luddite" Zaremski will lead the chapter as Humbug for the upcoming year. May the higher powers have mercy on us, for we have had none on ourselves.
And now, for as much as I know you wait for my recitations to continue interminably, they must, unfortunately come to an end, I will ask Mike "9 and a third) Cole to come up here and join me and receive that which every X-Humbug craves, the plaque signifying the esteem with which all members of the Queho Posse holds him. Please raise high your glasses in a toast for our outgoing Humbug, Mike Cole.
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